Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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