drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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