I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
