You really coming over, don't trick.
I wish my penis had an off switch
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
