If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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