remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
