I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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