If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
This beer is not sobering me up at all
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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