i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
