I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
