see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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