I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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