just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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