How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
