I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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