let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
There's even glitter on my cock...
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