oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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