I am spending my child support on dildos
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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