Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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