God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
