that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
