having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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