Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I know her cup size but not her name....
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