I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
tell me about the eggs
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
