where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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