so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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