You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
