i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
