I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
it hurts more in the daytime
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
