god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
