Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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