we have pet lesbian snakes
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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