well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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