my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
