Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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