Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
They have beer where we have blood.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
