I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Randomize
