no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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