I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
