I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
