Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize