I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
