and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
