a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
