omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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