Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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