Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
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