the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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