Hey man sorry I got all grabby
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
