The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
