I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
