he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
