he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
