just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
