I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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