chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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